My therapist runs a therapy group for depressed people. She was pretty adamant that I go. Fine, fine, fine. I go. We learn skills on how to relax, cope, step back, assess, calm, etc. Amusingly, meditation is one of the things on the list. Needless to say, it doesn’t work for me. Most of the “lessons” we learn in there, I can’t actually do. Sure, I try, but it’s just not possible. “Clear your mind.” Hahaha. No offense, but go fuck yourself. “Focus on a color.” Seriously? No. I think of green, and then I think about which shade of green I’d like, so I think of all of the different shades of green I like, and which ones I dislike, and then I think of why I dislike them, and events that relate to those color greens, and it goes downhill from there.
Ever notice how someone prefaces something offensive with “no offense?” Yeah, me too. I do it. Often it’s because I genuinely say something in jest and mean it to be so. “Please don’t take offense to this, because I’m seriously joking.” Though usually, I don’t even bother. Most of the time I open my mouth it will offend someone. I’m aware of this.
There is a lady in my group. I can’t STAND her. For the first time in a very long time, I’ve found someone that I genuinely would like to throw in front of a bus. She actually brings out the violent streak in me. This is the real reason I actually go to group therapy. No, you silly silly goose. NOT so I have an excuse to beat her with her drama cane. So I can learn to NOT beat her with her woe-is-me-pity-me-stick. Everything out of her mouth is, “my life is horrible, you should feel bad for me.” Followed by, “the world owes me, YOU owe me.” Lady, I don’t owe you shit, everything said is something that starts or ends with “I can’t.” Ironically, I’d go into more details, but I can’t. What’s said in group, stays in group and all that crap.
Though I will say one thing. Two weeks ago she made a comment. I’d made a quip about something and she exclaimed “Oh now we’re seeing the REAL Siobhan!” I just glanced in her direction and said “Nope, I’ve been here all along.” She started to argue, and I ignored her for whatever was going on at the time, I think someone else had been talking about one of their experiences. But here’s what she is too self-absorbed to notice… Who I am doesn’t change. Who people see doesn’t change. What they notice, does. I watch. When I’m around people I don’t like, I’m much quieter. When I’m angry I have several stages. One is, of course, yelling. One is crying. One is seething silence. That’s the scary stage. If I don’t like someone I won’t tell them to piss off, or something. I just won’t acknowledge them or to the best of my ability ignore them. THAT is what she’s seen, that I’ve ignored her, that I’ve sat in silence observing everyone. I have sat there mostly silent and absorbed who I like, who I don’t like, who I trust, who I don’t. The thing that angers me the most? She crossed a line a few weeks ago, and I can’t pummel her for it. And the fact that I haven’t shows that I’m growing. … Or that I just can’t bring myself to beat old women with their pity-me sticks. I haven’t decided yet.