I Bang My Head Against The Wall Until It Bleeds Black

I’d say that I’m completely bonkers, but really, what’s the point in telling you something you already know?  So let’s go with something new.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel completely inadequate.  Hm. We’re trying to find something new.  Screw it. Here we go anyway.

I’m too fat. I’m not pretty enough.  I’m just not good enough. No one likes a jealous girlfriend.  I just can’t have sex all the time like a good girlfriend should (This falls under not good enough eh?).

I’m too fat. I’ve been losing weight.  Benefit of certain meds that I’m on.  It’s crazy awesome.  I was a super chub muffin.  Do I think that my former weight, or even stature on others makes them fat? No.  I think most curvy women are incredibly sexy.  Did it make me fat? Very yes.  Am I still fat? Yeah. I have rolls. And chunky thighs.

I’m just not that pretty.  My face is so blah.  I can’t wear make up. I don’t know how.  Never learned. But I’ve been told my whole life I should.  Because a little make up would make me pretty.  Not prettier, pretty.  I want to be pretty.  I want to be that girl that you walk in the room, and I’m the first person you see. But I’m not.  I never will be.

I wish I wasn’t jealous.  I wasn’t before.  Before the crazy got bad.  I’d have little twinges here and there, but nothing extreme.  I generally didn’t care how many girl friends my boyfriend would have, or how much time they spent together.  As my problems have gotten worse, so has my jealousy, and my feeling of inferiority.  I can’t control it.  I want to be told flat out, “I love you,” without any prompting. Not a grunted response to an I love you.  Yes. I’m needy. And yes, it sucks.

I want to want to have sex. One of my doctors told me that it’s my responsibility as a girlfriend to have sex with my boyfriend, and why am I in a relationship if I’m not wanting to have sex.  Did you know that telling someone who is already having guilt and depression over having no libido that they are obligated to give their partner sex, and are not fulfilling their duties as a proper girlfriend is a GREAT way to make them even MORE depressed?  And by even MORE depressed, I mean pushing them further into a spiral into guilt and inability to leave the bed.  I don’t think I showered for 3 days, which, for the record, is a very bad sign.  Normally, not showering for one day makes me feel like I’m covered in bugs and have worms crawling under my skin (Also why I have to wash my hair daily, the worms crawl under my scalp.), so me not showering for 3 days and not caring?  Bad bad sign.

(And now my head is itching.)

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3 thoughts on “I Bang My Head Against The Wall Until It Bleeds Black

    1. Eh, I get that you mean well, but being told ANOTHER way to fix my problems and make everything better is, well, the same thing a different breath. Thank you for trying, but everything your blog suggests doesn’t work with someone like me. I’ve tried. For years. Which is really depressing to think about. For YEARS I’ve spent my life trying to overcome my brain’s overthinking and misfiring dysfunctional existence. It blows. But thanks for trying. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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