I’m angry. Not angry inside. Not angry at myself. I have a very focused anger. An anger at a betrayal. By now, if you’ve kept up, you know how I feel about people discussing me behind my back. You know how I feel about people making assumptions about me. It tends to end poorly, and painfully, and with me angry, hurt, and feeling more alone than I do normally. Oh, yeah, and me cutting off all communication with the people involved. Why, you may ask? It’s healthier. Yes, yes, I’m aware that most of you are saying, “No, it’s not healthy to shut out people.” When it comes to me, it’s absolutely healthier. If I don’t, I’ll sit there, tempted to talk to the person, thinking things over and over, what do I say, what do I do, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, you get the point. Blocked? I don’t see them, I don’t think about it, I don’t focus.
I posted a blog a few days ago about not taking my meds for 2 days because, ick, nastiness. Some of you may be here from Twitter, G+, or WReader. Well, those of you from G+ may have had the privilege of seeing the comment that set me off.(That I’ve deleted, because, well, do I really need to explain why?) Someone, a “friend,” posting that I needed to stay off of any bridges. Please, PLEASE imply that because I didn’t take my medicine for two days that I’m going to commit suicide. Since it seems to be a popular topic to jump to this conclusion, I assume because I’m bipolar, because that is what depressed people do, because I’m not normal, because I have a mental illness, because I DON’T FUCKING KNOW…
I have zero intention of ever killing myself.
Have I made that clear enough for you? Apparently not, as this is not the first time I’ve had to say this. (Remember the email situation? I bet some of you are intimately familiar with that email.)
I will not. Kill. Myself.
I really. REALLY. Am sick of saying it. Guys, I may be depressed, I may be bat shit fucking crazy, but I’m not that far gone. I will know well before you do if I ever get to that point. Should I ever get to that point? That almost no turning back point? I’ll do what gimmemocha did, and go check in. Besides, I like cardboard food.
Now, onto the betrayal that destroyed my trust. So, remember that email? Oh how much it hurt that all of my “friends” were talking about me, in depth, behind my back. Granted, I’m not naive or stupid enough to believe it doesn’t actually happen. Trash talk away. I know it happens. I KNOW it happens. Fine, go for it. Here’s the kick in the asshole. When you TELL me that you have gone behind my back to discuss in length with the person who made the comment about me. And then telling me I’m wrong because that person cares so much about me? I’m done. My trust, my care, my give a fuck. It’s gone. And I don’t know if it hurt so much because it was someone I was close to, or if it was because it was someone I trusted not to hurt me. But it’s completely moot. Right now, I just added a shit ton of bricks to that wall.
Thank you you two.