You built up a world of magic because your real life is tragic.

Yeah you built up a world of magic.

If it’s not real, you can’t hold it in your hand, you can’t feel it with your heart.  And I won’t believe it.  But if it’s true, you can see it with your eyes, oh even in the dark.  And that’s where I want to be.

I’ve actually been sleeping a little better, lately.  In theory, hey?  There are days that I wake up and I just KNOW it’s going to be a bad day.  Often those are days that I have nightmares the night before, or I wake up at some point and my brain goes into overdrive. The latter was the culprit today.  I’ve been doing pretty well shoving the brain rot down, with fantasy story telling inside my head, but there are some days it’s uncontrollable.

Today, it’s been fairly uncontrollable. I’m doing the best I can to cram it as deep down as I can.  “But, Sio! Talking about it is beneficial!”  Probably, but it will also start a fight, and I’m sick of fighting.  I’d rather internalize, jam it down, and seal it off as best I can.

Go get your shovel, and we’ll dig a deep hole to bury the castle, bury the castle.

It’s the little things that are probably trivial that just start as little things and just feed themselves until they grow to giant beasts hanging over my shoulder, poking me, prodding me, jeering at me until I snap.  Things like, “Why do you have a password on your phone, if you have nothing to hide?”  It really is a valid question.  What ARE you hiding?  The real problem here, is that I don’t know if *I* am thinking this, or the big beast is telling me to think that.  There are days where I swear I actually can hear the beast telling me to question these things.  I don’t. It’s not an internal or external voice. It’s not actually speaking to me.  It’s more like, a conscience, only an anti-conscience? It’s difficult to explain.

Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick, or the wolf’s gonna blow it down.

For years I was paranoid that I was, in fact, schizophrenic and not bipolar. It doesn’t exactly help to look up the symptoms of both and compare them side-by-side.  They’re dreadfully similar.  Both can have auditory and visual hallucinations. Both can have cognitive impairment and mood instability.  They share paranoia, self-harm, depression, anger, superiority complex (let’s admit, I KNOW I’m awesome and better than most people. /sarcasm.), among many other symptoms.  Hell, it might turn out that I really AM schizophrenic.  Maybe that’s what’s really wrong with me.  I don’t know.  All I DO know is that I hate feeling like the whole world is crumbling because of something simple. Because I don’t trust people. Because I CAN’T trust people. Because I feel like everyone is out to get me. Because I can’t help it.

Well you built up a world of magic, because your real life is tragic. Yeah you built up a world of magic.

 

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depression and the dangers of positive thought

A friend of a friend pretty much outlined just how I view all of the “positive thought” posts and “aids” to “fix” your depression. Except, she’s much more articulate and word savvy than I am. (Plus, she doesn’t use foul language like I do.)

katelyn, shelved

(Trigger warnings for extensive talk about depression and all the side effects that come with it.)

Everyone knows that when someone asks how you’re doing, the correct response is: “I’m fine, and you?”

It doesn’t make sense when you think about it–how can there be a “correct” answer to a question about your mood? Your feelings, your state of mind, these are mercurial things that change by the hour or even the minute. So why is the only emotional state we’re allowed to express “fine?”

Most of us learn at a young age that questions like “how are you” and “how’s it going” aren’t really looking for accurate answers–they’re looking for socially comfortable ones. Somewhere along the line of our society’s history it became taboo for us to talk about what’s actually going on in our heads. The guy at the office you see in the break room, the barista…

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