I’ve had these problems for some time now

There’s something very wrong.
Damned if the one band I’ve been listening to lately is a Christian Rock band. I find that extra amusing, all things considered. I hate religion. But then, I’m not sure if I’ve touched on religion here. I usually try to avoid it. We’ll leave it at that.
It’s me again, pick up the phone. I hope that you’re at home. I need a friend so don’t pretend. Cause you’re the one I called. I’ll try again if I can.
I’ve been going through some major ups and downs lately. Mostly downs. Spiraling out of control, even. I have so many things running through my head that it is next to impossible to shut down and relax. No calming the beast. No silencing the demons. They’re crawling to the surface, one notched thought at a time. Sometimes real life pain makes the claws dig deeper, a tighter hold. “No one wants you here.” “Let’s go play over here without her.” “Every time you open your mouth you offend me.”
I wonder if I will even be missed. Remember me at my best.
I can’t handle it. I can’t shrug it off. I know no one likes me, or wants me around. Would they notice if I stopped showing up? Would they care? Who are they? Why do I care that anyone cares? I don’t know, but I do. It’s this weird thing. I think it’s actually one of the few semi-normal things about me. I care what other people think.  I wish I didn’t,  but I think we all do.
Don’t blame yourself when you find out. You know it’s not your fault.
I know I have a few people who care and worry about me. I’m sorry. I wish it was easier for them. But it isn’t. And that’s all my fault. But then, so are most things. It’s easier that way. I want to say that I have so much to look forward to with my day to day, but I think I’d just be trying to make people feel better. So I’ve been doing just that. Putting on a smile,  faking normalcy,  and telling the world to go fuck the hell off, like I do. 
Don’t try so hard… Don’t try so hard… Don’t try so hard.. Don’t try so hard to be happy.
Being told no one wants me around, to go play on another playground away from the cool kids… it hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to defend myself. I was shut down. A panic attack. Anger, frustration,  pain, confusion, betrayal, neglect, and a slew of other emotions. No one stood up with or for me. I don’t know why I even had a tiny thought it might happen.  But I guess there,  up until that point,  had been a tiny spark of hope that someone liked me.  That I was wanted.  That I was even semi-important to people.  That I was appreciated.  I thought maybe, just maybe, someone might say something. Anything. But. I was wrong. I won’t make that mistake again. So I left. And no one noticed at first. Then one person. That’s it. One person. I know who I am. And I know what I’m capable of. And I know how I have to bury everything so deep. And I don’t know that I can promise not to just walk away and disappear. Maybe it’s time again.
There’s nothing left for me here. To live for. So I have just one last request. Please remember me at my best.
I can’t even begin to describe the feeling in my gut as I think about yesterday.  But, while I can fake being fine to others,  I can’t fake it to myself. The demons are ever closer to the surface.

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I don’t bleed enough for you…

I’m not anything.

Yesterday shit hit the fan.  My brain exploded.  One friend started my day by being mad at me for something stupid and insignificant. I didn’t want to deal with anything, but that was the thing that set me off.  I just wanted to be left alone.

I’m not good enough for you.  I’m not seen enough for you. I’m not anything…

Apparently me wanting to hide from the world is a bad idea.  I was asked by that friend later if I was available to help with something.  No.  Maybe I’m too… excitable? No… quick to judge? Probably that’s it.  But I didn’t want to drop everything for someone who made me feel like my decisions weren’t good enough.  Which, by the way, for the record, just so we’re clear, just throwing it out there, pissed ME off, too.

I don’t scream enough for you. I don’t sing enough for you. I’m not anything.

Later, she asked another mutual friend of ours if I was avoiding her, why, etc.  Now here is where things actually went from bad-mindset-Sio to fucked-up-paranoid-shattered-eggshell-Sio.  He talked about it with her.  Simple, right?  No big deal, right?  Not to me. Not ever to me. How do I know it ended there?  Maybe there was more. Laughter ensuing at my expense? I’m a drama queen overreacting?  By gods, just how fucked up can I be?  For all I know it was all of the above, or none. I just don’t know.

So take your best shot. Aim straight for my heart. I’m not playing this game.

I’ve sat and talked with both.  In theory, I trust that it was none.  But, I don’t know what I’ll think tomorrow, or the next when I crack.  I keep saying that I’m spiraling, but damned if I’m not holding on as tight to my sanity as I can.

You can do you. Cause I’ma do me. And there’s not a damn thing that you will achieve. You’re stuck in your place.

It’s Coming.

That’s the way it goes when you’re on top.

–This post was written 06/23/2016. Pen and notebook, those things still exist! I just typed it to post.

After all of the setups and let downs

Quiet little boy your hand in her pocket…
I’m totally failing at being responsible.  I’ve been sleeping on the couch so I don’t keep my boyfriend awake with my tossing and turning and lack of ability to sleep. I really don’t know why I try much. I go lay down late, so I just don’t go in and take my meds at night. I take them in the morning, just keep neglecting to take them at night.  Maybe that’s why I just want to sleep to dream to live to love to fly to be everything.
Will we ever drink milk from a fountain.. will we ever be there..
Hey hey I don’t really need much at all.
Today a friend said something as as complete joke. He asked “Who said you’re worth fighting for?” The joke actually worked in context, and probably wouldn’t have bothered me if I didn’t already think I wasn’t worth fighting for. It’s something that crosses my mind on a daily basis. I’m not worth much, especially not worth fighting for.  Not that I want someone to get in a fucking fight over me.  I rather dislike conflict, surprisingly enough. (I’m just good at it.) I guess I see fighting for meaning striving for? Maybe that still isn’t the right word. I’m not so good with words anymore.
There’s no reason for the sun today…
Moot point. Not worth the fighting. Not the first time I’ve been told this. Not even the third or fourth. Just further proof that there is something wrong with me.  When it happened today I just left everything. I had to. I went and curled up on the couch fighting not to cry. I’m not sure why.  I KNEW it was a joke. Even now, my eyes are burning and it pisses me off, because I know it hurts my friend more than it hurts me. I hurt HIM by being so upset by it. And rightfully so. I’m pathetic, getting so shitty over something so stupid. I do that, and I hate it. And people don’t understand. “Just don’t let it bother you.” “Learn to shrug it off.” “Toughen up.”
All is quiet and I still can’t remember… Are we going home…
I just want to disappear. But then when I think that, I remember the last two times I did. No one noticed I was gone. Hell, I damn near fell off the face of the Earth for a few months and not a person checked in on me. Kinda telling,  eh? Is it better to just go slowly, gradually fading,  or to just bail altogether and realize that,  if anyone notices at all,  it would be months.  Does it matter? 
I believe that she’s out of her mind. Try to picture your hand on her trigger. Try to picture the gun. Time is wasting, she answers quite truly. Time is turning, the undertow’s strong.
Hm. I suppose this post sounds rather foreboding.
Please believe me.
I’m burning up inside. A fire of something that I can’t control.
Everybody will beg her to stay…
Don’t get any crazy ideas.
Her eyes turn to me…
I’m crazy. I’m depressed. But I’m not stupid.
I will never bow to the ages. I will never let down my guard. Ask for nothing, you get what you pay for.
I’m not suicidal.
I’ve got pride instead.
I’m just… BROKEN.

Look into my eyes…

 

I am the one.. Who you despise.

I’ve been having too many good days lately.  Or, well, maybe had?  I’m not entirely sure I’m having a bad day, per se, just I’m feeling a downward swing.  Which I almost find amusing since I was discussing this with a friend today.  I’d just mentioned that I have been having too many good days and it was only a matter of time before I crashed.  Maybe I’m not crashing. Maybe I’m just having a mope day.  That would be nice… But I think we both know that’s not what this is.  It never is.

You’ll never see… A different side to me… A side that you just did not understand.

I haven’t really wanted to sleep lately.  When I do, I have to fight myself to wake up.  It’s not that I don’t like my life of late.  Things have been pretty non-shit.  It’s just that when I DO sleep, the dreams are so intense that I just don’t want to leave.  I’m not a fuck up. I’m not broken.  I’m strong, mighty, and I fight for the weak.  I’m almost the opposite of how I feel on a daily basis.  I don’t want to wake up, because when I do, I know everything is going to break and I’ll tumble into the well.  I can see the water bubbling towards the surface. It just gets closer, or maybe I do. Hm.

I hope you choke. On the promises you wrote.. Telling me that you would always be my friend…

I went to visit friends a month ago, and saw some that I haven’t seen in a long time.  I saw one friend that I hadn’t seen in damn near 20 years.  That was just… Amazing. It was almost like no time had passed.  I don’t think I realized how much I fucked up letting him drift away until then.  Okay, let’s be honest, people don’t drift out of my life. I tell them to go fuck themselves.  I don’t remember if that’s how things happened.  Probably. I’m good at that.  Preemptive strike, hey?

I’ve actually made a few friends lately.  Color me surprised that none of them live near me. /sarcasm.  I don’t actually think I know how to make friends in person anymore, to be honest.  Right now, I think these guys are my partial sanity.  Which isn’t exactly the lightest burden to lay.  But then again, I don’t.  It’s something I hide.  It’s weakness to rely on others. Relying on others gives them the opportunity (and probability) to hurt you.

I exposed your lies… And it’s my turn to watch you burn…

Being so afraid of being hurt by the people you care about has the shit side effect of being incredibly lonely.  It’s the popularity complex.  (No, I’m not popular. Far from it.) I can be in a room full of people, having a laughter-filled conversation, and be completely miserable.  It amazes me how often I’m near tears and no one realizes this.  Which comes to the lies.  While I’ve had incredibly not shit times lately, too high for too long for my own well being (Impending doom in 3…2…1…), the more I write this, the more I realize how many times I’ve nearly broken down in the past few weeks for seemingly no reason.  (Wow, commas.) Not actually for no reason, mind you, just seemingly no reason.  Hm. Maybe no reason. No real, solid, valid reason any way.

I wonder if part of the reason I’m so … concerned… (Nope, not going to say scared. I don’t do scared.) about letting people in lately, is that I have no filter.  We know this. Everyone knows this.  I’ve told a few about my past. Others don’t know.  I think I’m honestly afraid of what they’d do.  Not that I’m worried they’d go and take care of things, but that they’d.. I dunno, see me differently.  I already know one person does.  Oh. Hm. Afraid. I guess I DO do scared. Interesting.  Why is it that I’m afraid of what people think about me because of things that have been done TO me?  Oh. That’s right. Because it was my fault.