Look into my eyes…

 

I am the one.. Who you despise.

I’ve been having too many good days lately.  Or, well, maybe had?  I’m not entirely sure I’m having a bad day, per se, just I’m feeling a downward swing.  Which I almost find amusing since I was discussing this with a friend today.  I’d just mentioned that I have been having too many good days and it was only a matter of time before I crashed.  Maybe I’m not crashing. Maybe I’m just having a mope day.  That would be nice… But I think we both know that’s not what this is.  It never is.

You’ll never see… A different side to me… A side that you just did not understand.

I haven’t really wanted to sleep lately.  When I do, I have to fight myself to wake up.  It’s not that I don’t like my life of late.  Things have been pretty non-shit.  It’s just that when I DO sleep, the dreams are so intense that I just don’t want to leave.  I’m not a fuck up. I’m not broken.  I’m strong, mighty, and I fight for the weak.  I’m almost the opposite of how I feel on a daily basis.  I don’t want to wake up, because when I do, I know everything is going to break and I’ll tumble into the well.  I can see the water bubbling towards the surface. It just gets closer, or maybe I do. Hm.

I hope you choke. On the promises you wrote.. Telling me that you would always be my friend…

I went to visit friends a month ago, and saw some that I haven’t seen in a long time.  I saw one friend that I hadn’t seen in damn near 20 years.  That was just… Amazing. It was almost like no time had passed.  I don’t think I realized how much I fucked up letting him drift away until then.  Okay, let’s be honest, people don’t drift out of my life. I tell them to go fuck themselves.  I don’t remember if that’s how things happened.  Probably. I’m good at that.  Preemptive strike, hey?

I’ve actually made a few friends lately.  Color me surprised that none of them live near me. /sarcasm.  I don’t actually think I know how to make friends in person anymore, to be honest.  Right now, I think these guys are my partial sanity.  Which isn’t exactly the lightest burden to lay.  But then again, I don’t.  It’s something I hide.  It’s weakness to rely on others. Relying on others gives them the opportunity (and probability) to hurt you.

I exposed your lies… And it’s my turn to watch you burn…

Being so afraid of being hurt by the people you care about has the shit side effect of being incredibly lonely.  It’s the popularity complex.  (No, I’m not popular. Far from it.) I can be in a room full of people, having a laughter-filled conversation, and be completely miserable.  It amazes me how often I’m near tears and no one realizes this.  Which comes to the lies.  While I’ve had incredibly not shit times lately, too high for too long for my own well being (Impending doom in 3…2…1…), the more I write this, the more I realize how many times I’ve nearly broken down in the past few weeks for seemingly no reason.  (Wow, commas.) Not actually for no reason, mind you, just seemingly no reason.  Hm. Maybe no reason. No real, solid, valid reason any way.

I wonder if part of the reason I’m so … concerned… (Nope, not going to say scared. I don’t do scared.) about letting people in lately, is that I have no filter.  We know this. Everyone knows this.  I’ve told a few about my past. Others don’t know.  I think I’m honestly afraid of what they’d do.  Not that I’m worried they’d go and take care of things, but that they’d.. I dunno, see me differently.  I already know one person does.  Oh. Hm. Afraid. I guess I DO do scared. Interesting.  Why is it that I’m afraid of what people think about me because of things that have been done TO me?  Oh. That’s right. Because it was my fault. 

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