After all of the setups and let downs

Quiet little boy your hand in her pocket…
I’m totally failing at being responsible.  I’ve been sleeping on the couch so I don’t keep my boyfriend awake with my tossing and turning and lack of ability to sleep. I really don’t know why I try much. I go lay down late, so I just don’t go in and take my meds at night. I take them in the morning, just keep neglecting to take them at night.  Maybe that’s why I just want to sleep to dream to live to love to fly to be everything.
Will we ever drink milk from a fountain.. will we ever be there..
Hey hey I don’t really need much at all.
Today a friend said something as as complete joke. He asked “Who said you’re worth fighting for?” The joke actually worked in context, and probably wouldn’t have bothered me if I didn’t already think I wasn’t worth fighting for. It’s something that crosses my mind on a daily basis. I’m not worth much, especially not worth fighting for.  Not that I want someone to get in a fucking fight over me.  I rather dislike conflict, surprisingly enough. (I’m just good at it.) I guess I see fighting for meaning striving for? Maybe that still isn’t the right word. I’m not so good with words anymore.
There’s no reason for the sun today…
Moot point. Not worth the fighting. Not the first time I’ve been told this. Not even the third or fourth. Just further proof that there is something wrong with me.  When it happened today I just left everything. I had to. I went and curled up on the couch fighting not to cry. I’m not sure why.  I KNEW it was a joke. Even now, my eyes are burning and it pisses me off, because I know it hurts my friend more than it hurts me. I hurt HIM by being so upset by it. And rightfully so. I’m pathetic, getting so shitty over something so stupid. I do that, and I hate it. And people don’t understand. “Just don’t let it bother you.” “Learn to shrug it off.” “Toughen up.”
All is quiet and I still can’t remember… Are we going home…
I just want to disappear. But then when I think that, I remember the last two times I did. No one noticed I was gone. Hell, I damn near fell off the face of the Earth for a few months and not a person checked in on me. Kinda telling,  eh? Is it better to just go slowly, gradually fading,  or to just bail altogether and realize that,  if anyone notices at all,  it would be months.  Does it matter? 
I believe that she’s out of her mind. Try to picture your hand on her trigger. Try to picture the gun. Time is wasting, she answers quite truly. Time is turning, the undertow’s strong.
Hm. I suppose this post sounds rather foreboding.
Please believe me.
I’m burning up inside. A fire of something that I can’t control.
Everybody will beg her to stay…
Don’t get any crazy ideas.
Her eyes turn to me…
I’m crazy. I’m depressed. But I’m not stupid.
I will never bow to the ages. I will never let down my guard. Ask for nothing, you get what you pay for.
I’m not suicidal.
I’ve got pride instead.
I’m just… BROKEN.


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