I’m not anything.
Yesterday shit hit the fan. My brain exploded. One friend started my day by being mad at me for something stupid and insignificant. I didn’t want to deal with anything, but that was the thing that set me off. I just wanted to be left alone.
I’m not good enough for you. I’m not seen enough for you. I’m not anything…
Apparently me wanting to hide from the world is a bad idea. I was asked by that friend later if I was available to help with something. No. Maybe I’m too… excitable? No… quick to judge? Probably that’s it. But I didn’t want to drop everything for someone who made me feel like my decisions weren’t good enough. Which, by the way, for the record, just so we’re clear, just throwing it out there, pissed ME off, too.
I don’t scream enough for you. I don’t sing enough for you. I’m not anything.
Later, she asked another mutual friend of ours if I was avoiding her, why, etc. Now here is where things actually went from bad-mindset-Sio to fucked-up-paranoid-shattered-eggshell-Sio. He talked about it with her. Simple, right? No big deal, right? Not to me. Not ever to me. How do I know it ended there? Maybe there was more. Laughter ensuing at my expense? I’m a drama queen overreacting? By gods, just how fucked up can I be? For all I know it was all of the above, or none. I just don’t know.
So take your best shot. Aim straight for my heart. I’m not playing this game.
I’ve sat and talked with both. In theory, I trust that it was none. But, I don’t know what I’ll think tomorrow, or the next when I crack. I keep saying that I’m spiraling, but damned if I’m not holding on as tight to my sanity as I can.
You can do you. Cause I’ma do me. And there’s not a damn thing that you will achieve. You’re stuck in your place.
That’s the way it goes when you’re on top.
–This post was written 06/23/2016. Pen and notebook, those things still exist! I just typed it to post.