Let’s write a song that we can dance to…

Cause they all want to listen, just to know how it sounds when I do that thing you know that I do. 

I have this friend. She’s been one of my best friends for years. She has this theory that I somehow make guys fall for me like it’s some kind of skill. I make them do it, then I break them.  I think she thinks it’s some kind of… I don’t want to say bragging right, because that’s not the right word.  Maybe self-esteem booster?  That I’m wanted?  But I don’t see it that way.  I feel like it’s another way for people to get hurt around me.  I learned a long time ago not to hide the fucked up parts of me, because it makes people think I’m a better person than I am.

I’ll have you know I’m scared to death that everything you had said to me was just a lie until you left. 

I won’t lie. I love the feeling of being adored.  It makes me feel alive.  But do I actively do it to hurt others? No. Not even that, but I don’t even actively do it that I know of.  I don’t know why anyone would enjoy breaking others.  Hell, I know  I used to.  I just don’t know why.  It hurts me as much as it does others.  Maybe I’ve developed a sense of empathy.  Or maybe I’ve stopped telling myself I don’t care?  I’m good at it.  Always have been.  When I do, I delete everything of them that I can find. Pictures, messages, emails, etc. Paper, that’s a little different.  But I’m working on that one.  I have lots of things to purge at some point.  I love paper, so it’s difficult to lose those things.

I should have been your everything. I’m now at the end of my eternity, and I will sleep to have the darkest dreams. This just won’t seem right to me. I close my eyes and beg for peace. 

How is it supposed to feel when you find your forever and all you can think of is how you’re going to next destroy that person and move on?  Does this make it a Black Widow Syndrome?  Does this mean I’m just paranoid? Does it mean I just need to buckle down and avoid people in general? Sometimes I think yes.

I’ll be fine, I swear. I’m just gone beyond repair.

Doesn’t mean I will, fuckers.


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