I almost heard her cry out as I left her far behind, and knew the world was crashing down around her.
I went to the doctor. It sucked. Nothing unusual. I just hate doctors. This one listens to me for the most part, believing that I know well enough about my brain and its faults and flaws to respond accordingly. I restarted some of my old meds, which I really didn’t want to do, but something had to change. I guess we will have to see how they fuck with me this time. She referred me to psych for a psychiatrist to appropriately push drugs. Unfortunately, since I’m having a major crash, with my anxiety on top, I have this sad feeling they’ll try to say I’m not bipolar and change my meds, which will screw me up worse.
I lie here on the ocean floor, brown castle by the shore. And I made this mess. I built this fire.
Panicked and freaking out manic Sio is, I’m sure, fun from the outside, but not so much for me. Though it has been a bit since I’ve been manic. I won’t pretend that I don’t miss it. My name is Siobhan, and I’m a mania addict. The giving no fucks, driving too fast, walking alone in bad areas at night, and challenging someone to fuck with me. The last time I was manic, I almost got into a bar fight defending a friend. The rush was exhilarating. Where was I?
Let me save us. I’ve slaughtered us.
I miss being manic, and not caring, I think, because caring hurts too much. I feel like all I do is screw up. I can’t talk about how I feel without making others angry or otherwise upset. I can’t NOT talk about it, because that makes others upset that I’m bottling things up and hiding. I’m genuinely scared to open my mouth anymore, because everything I say to everyone is wrong. I apparently don’t know how my OCD works, I don’t know how I feel, or how I’m allowed to feel.
This blood in my mouth… This knife in my lungs…
A friend said last week that people bitch to her about me all the time. Then she just said that her response was, “Well you know how Sio is.” Yeah. How am I? Oh, yeah, a horrible person. I’d temporarily forgotten. All I’m good for its hurting, offending, and otherwise pissing people off. I should have listened to what he told me to do after that night… and just did it. Then no one would have to deal with me. This is why you listen to your betters, kids.