What have I become…

My sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away, in the end.

So my new/old meds work.  Technically.  I’m not as depressed.  I’m not as anxiety-ridden.  I’m not as much of anything.  I’m not sleeping, either though. -Ish.  When I DO finally fall asleep it’s either constant waking up with nightmares, or I sleep until 2 or so in the afternoon.  That’s always fun.  Then I can’t sleep, sleep until 2, can’t sleep, sleep until 2.  It’s cyclic.  But that’s just how it is.

Beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear. You are someone else; I am still right here.

I like the apathetic feeling I’m in right now.  I mean, it sounds harsh.  I’m not apathetic. I’m just not excitable. I still love, hate, disappoint, anger, etc.  I just don’t express it in a high-energy way right now.  As my body acclimates to the medicine it should balance and get back to the “do-wop-woo-hoo-OMG-holy-YAY-awesomeness” that is my daily life. I’m just not there yet.  Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe not.  I wonder if it’ll affect my assessment today.

I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar’s chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair.

I feel foggy.  Like blinking takes an extra moment, or my glasses need cleaned.  (Okay, my glasses ALWAYS need cleaned, but still.) It’s just weird.  Bright lights are too bright, more so than normal, and I just have less energy than normal.

And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.

Someone commented last night about how my new meds were definitely taking effect.  He’s not happy about it.  He definitely doesn’t like it.  I can hear it in his voice.  That sucks. I wanted him to be more supportive, I guess. I asked about it and he said he wasn’t going to comment, or try to sway me in either direction.  I really would have rather he be honest.  It wouldn’t change my mind either way.  I’m going to take the medicine that makes me not want to go sky diving without a parachute.  I think it should make me sad. I guess I AM disappointed, though.

If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way.


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