Don’t you get sick

Of only hearing your own voice? Talk like you’re so damn tough, but you’re just a little boy. You like to think you broke the mold, but now I’m sure.  You’ll crack just like the rest when I break your fucking jaw.

There are so many things that have changed in my life that I can never even begin to list them all.  I can say that I am happier than I was a month ago, two months ago.  I get to be myself, just me, not what I think people want me to be.  I still face fallout from it.  I was screwed over a few weeks ago.  Screwed over by my friends, again, I find the lack of surprise borderline amusing. Really, I actually find myself laughing as I think about it to write this out.  I knew it was coming eventually, it was just a matter of time.  It hurts, but it’s life.  I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not important. It’s just how things are.

I won’t settle, settle, settle. You are never gonna hold me down. So toxic, you ain’t nothin’ but a prick. I’m the best thing that never happened to you. Never, never, never, you are never gonna live this down. Life’s too short, I can’t fake it anymore. I’m the best thing that never happened to you.

Someone who left a long time ago once gave me “The most important piece of advice ever.” Maybe I should listen one of these days.  “Don’t ever leave something somewhere, or give something to someone that you can’t afford to lose.”  It was drilled into my head to never leave my heart with anyone that didn’t deserve it.  I never really did tend to listen to my betters.  I’ve loaned, and given, and left things that were important to me with people who I thought would take care of them.  Things including love, items, memories, secrets, emotions, trust.  I never get them back.  I want them back. I want it all back. I want my trust back. I want the pieces of my heart back. I want my secrets back. There are secrets I wish I hadn’t told people. They didn’t really deserve to know them.  I thought they did, but I’ve always been too trusting.  Trust tends to be what screws me, hey.

I let you get away with thinking you’re the cure. I think I’m in too deep, it’s time to pull the cord. You like me more when you think, I’m getting bored. I hope you’re home the day I tear down the walls.

Things have been better the last few weeks. I’ve spent time around people who genuinely care how I feel, how I’m doing, how my life is going.  They genuinely want me to be happy and healthy.  In the last two weeks, I’ve lost faith and trust in friends. I’ve given up on friends. I’ve become closer to others. I’ve helped friends through long nights. I’ve helped friends through long days. I’ve come full circle to a full year. And I lost what I’d gained. And there is nothing I can do about it.  I’ve gained good memories and bad. I’ve gained fear and sadness. I reconnected with a friend that I’d formerly had to cut out of my life. I have a stability in my brain that I haven’t had in years. The last week has been a little easier to sleep and less nightmares. I blame a few guys I know for that.  I’m okay with that. I think they would be, too.  They keep me laughing when I could be crying, and they remind me that I’m not quite as horrible of a person that I’ve been forced to feel like for the past two months.  I still feel like I’m a horrible person.  I’m not nice. I don’t do things that I should. But I won’t take blame for things that I have no control over anymore. That’s not my fault. And it won’t be anymore.

Life’s too short, I can’t fake it anymore

My year starts with an apology. Not mine. Someone else’s. When I get it, I want to talk to him again. But he’s more stubborn than I am, so I’m sure I’ll never get it.  But I’ll always wonder.


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