We don’t wanna go there. We don’t wanna make a move. We got all our lives to lose, screaming in the dark while we just play our part. I’ll play right along like I don’t know what’s going on.
It’s amazing that every time I take a break it tends to be in reaction to some external source. This time, I had a creepy guy from my game (am I sensing a theme?) threaten me. No big deal. I’m a girl, I play video games, and sometimes I’m not bad at them. That’s instant target for guys who can’t handle the “girl gamer” thing to attack. But the creepy part was when he went out of his way to search me out and post my info all over the discord of my guild, and then said he’d be seeing me soon. That honestly scared the ever living fuck out of me. I’m used to assholes. I’m used to skeevy guys. Hell, I’ve had stalkers before, and death threats. But none of them have ever said they’d come to my house and see me soon. So I did what I do, and put up a brave face and pretended it didn’t bother me, while internally I had a never-ending panic attack. I mentally cowered in the corner and hid under the blankets. I had flashbacks, couldn’t breathe, and just felt trapped and cornered. Pathetic, I know. Perceived threat rather than actual solid imminent threat. One might think that I’d know the difference by now.
You and I, we share the same disease. Cover up, compromise what we grieve. I’ve let more than my share of revivals die. This isn’t pretty, but it’s who I am tonight.
My brain has been everywhere lately. One person has said that I’m snappy like when I was on Wellbutrin. Maybe? But I think it’s more my stress level. I had my IUD changed at the beginning of last month. I went from the copper IUD to the Mirena. The copper had no hormones. The Mirena has small doses that are sent directly to that area instead of pills that circulate. The thought that’s been passing through my mind since that comment is whether or not that’s affecting my brain enough to cause me to be more stressed and snappy? I don’t know. I really don’t. I guess next time I have an appointment with my doc I can ask. She’ll tell me what she thinks. And while I could probably make an appointment early, I really just don’t want to.
Pointing fingers, the problems still linger. They keep getting bigger, and I hold the trigger. Playing with fire, I live like a liar. Please somebody make a move!
I keep internalizing all of my problems, thoughts, feelings, little bits of everything. So when someone asks me to express what’s bothering me it comes out more than I mean to. Apparently I make excuses for everything. It’s never my fault. I never do anything wrong. Which is funny. If you ask me what went wrong with about anything, I always feel that it’s my fault. I TRY to do things right. I just can’t. I can’t do things right in my video game. I can’t do things right in real life. I can’t do things right at work. I just can’t. My mind is full of “can’t” when I am aware that it shouldn’t be. But, again, I can’t. I just want it all to be normal. I wish for just 5 minutes a day I could be “normal” and happy and not-crazy.
Test my reality. Check if there’s a weak spot. Clingin’ to insanity. Hopes the world will ease up. Try to make it look like it’s all somehow getting better. Cause I know how to play it pretty good against the measure. Everyone started out a little insane, but we learn pretty quick how to fake it for the game. But some of you never learned to drop the act, so under that skin of yours: a heart attack.
Maybe the fact that I’m so crazy and keep waiting for the world to end is why I like reading so much. I get so lost in those worlds that it doesn’t matter what’s happening in real life. When I come back to reality, it’s easier to fake it. I have that fantasy world to fall back to in my mind. I can picture it better than day. Maybe that’s why, if the zombie apocalypse ever comes I won’t be surprised? Maybe it’s not a surprise thing, so much as a expectation. It may not come out as zombies, but something is coming. Without sounding so paranoid, but when I sound less crazy than the day-to-day, there’s a problem.
And if I had the answers I’d have written them out so I could tell you what to do and what this thing is about. But all I’ve ever learned comes second-hand, and I dare not preach what I don’t understand.
I want to say that I can fix myself, or that things out there can be fixed. I want it all to be kosher pickles. But it can’t be. There are too many things we can’t take back. Too many nasty things said and done that just can’t be erased or even blurred into the background. There are some things that will always be there bright and prominent in our minds and thoughts. We will hear those words and voices louder than the rest, and replay those images and memories like old movies. There has to be a way to make them stop, right? Well, other than the obvious.