Nothing in the cage…

Of my ribcage. Got no heart to break, like it that way.  Nothing in the cage of my ribcage.  Emptiness is safe, keep it that way. 

I often wonder why I bother getting out of bed, when all I can do is make people angry or hurt.  I get excitable and distracted and forget what I was doing, or to say or do things I was supposed to.  It gets me in trouble. It gets others mad at me. Which makes me feel worthless.  Do they make me feel worthless?  Not specifically, usually, just I do.  When I make people angry or upset them it all becomes a reflection on myself.  If I was a better human I would not cause this reaction or end result.  I think about these things as I try to convince myself that it is a good idea to wake up every day.  Nights like this make it very difficult to want to do so.  One of my doctors warned me that I would probably do really well on my meds, until things started going bad and then I would slack off and stop taking them.  I am still taking them, just not on time and every night.  I DO take my day chalk, though.  Maybe that is why my brain is overworking right now.  More so than it has been.

Used to be, I had a light, I had a fire in my chest.  Oh, but now I’m all out, and I’ve got nothing left.

One of the things I have never been good at was knowing whether or not people are actually my friends or just using me.  But because of the way things have turned out the past few years, I have become so jaded that I always see the worst out of everyone and every thing. Show me that I can trust you, please.  Tonight I ended up angering one person by getting distracted talking to another.  It really makes no difference how I feel about it.  Remorse and apologies matter not.  I know that I get distracted easily, and I know it is no excuse. I apologized. It is, unfortunately, the best I can do.  It is not as though I can go back in time and fix my errors.  If I could, there are a lot of things I would change. Hell, read through my posts. If you find nothing you think I would change, I just scratch my head in your direction.

Nothing left, now I’m feeling numb. And just like you, I couldn’t love someone.  There is no one I can belong to.

When I got distracted talking to the one friend, it was actually bragging about the person I upset. I understand and accept my fuck up. It is one more in a long list of things I think about every night that I have done to screw everything up. (Ask me again why I have trouble sleeping, please?)  I get it. He is angry. Furious. Hurt.  I am hurt too, but for a different reason.  Other than the fact that it hurts and angers me when I hurt others, I got a cruel lashback tonight that just… I clenched my jaw and my eyes glazed and burned. They lost focus, letting the blur take over. My lip trembled and I shivered and started to feel icy.  That is generally how I respond to betrayal. He told me that that friend really gives zero shits about me, or even really like me.  He made sure to outline all of the ways he was told and shown this tonight.

On the path, never leaving home.  Cut it out from my flesh and bone. And I feel like I can’t see anything. 

Everyone gets angry and upset. I am absolutely the poster child for this.  I get angrier when manic than when depressed. I lash out. We all do. But tonight… Tonight was cruel. Tonight was painful, and twisting. Tonight leaves me feeling like I should disappear. No one wants me around. Neither of them really gives a shit, one of which I already held at arms length–because I already knew we were friends of a mutual benefit. We play a game together, not real life friends.  Disappointing that he really does not like me much, but not too surprising.  Most people really are not big fans of me, either.  The other, just was so cruel, it made my arms itch. I just want to scratch it. I want to scratch it hard and deep.  Cruelty from people in general, I understand. Humans are a savage, petty species. We are a horrible invention.  But cruelty from those I care about, baffles me.  I think I must exclude them from humanity. I must expect that they are more human than humans? Is that even the way to word it, I don’t know.

Take you out, never bring you back again.  Back again.  Back again.  Can’t recall how we lost our innocence.  Innocence. Innocence.

When do I give up and just let go?  Not of specifics, but of everything? When do I stop fighting? When do I stop saying, “Not today.” And just start saying, “Ok.”


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