I can’t quite contain or explain…

My evil ways. Or explain why I’m not sane. All I can say is this is your warning. Duality. 

Speaking of warning. I should warn everyone when I am going to disappear for a while, but it is not always planned. Sometimes I just have no desire to talk about what is in my head. It’s not you. It’s me.  I’ve had more swings, up and down.  Duality. Appropriate. I’m almost a completely different person when I’m at each end of the spectrum. Or at least I feel that way.  I keep getting told that people don’t like me when I am on a down swing. No shit. I don’t like me when I am on a down swing.  I want to be peppy all of the time. I WANT to be able to be happy, or bubbly, or bouncy, or just otherwise wonderful to be around. I WANT to be one of those people. But I’m not. I’m just me.

No, can’t count the list of things I know are wrong with me. No need to just keep fighting. No, I’ll never take the blame… So I’ll just take the blame, I’ll never stop.

I have a chemically different brain than the average human being, and I react differently to most situations. There are things that do not bother me in the slightest that should affect me greatly. There are other things that should not bother me so much that are almost devastating. In general, death of humans does not bother me. I can’t explain why. That’s just not normal. Animals rip me to shreds. That’s the way you’re supposed to react. But humans? Nah. Maybe that’s because animals are innocent, while humans aren’t. Maybe we were at the spawning, freshly expelled from the womb, but almost instantaneously the negative influences begin. I just fight to care.

I am good, I am evil. I am solace, I am chaos. I am human, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.

I want to be chemically balanced. I want to be emotionally stable. I want to be able to focus on things and see the good instead of the inherent evil. I see people, and I see the things wrong with them. I see their twisted, warped, and conniving intentions. Are they real? Probably not.  But that’s what I see. I know I’m biased against humanity. We’re destroying ourselves at an alarming rate, we’re killing each other, and we just don’t care. I hate it. It makes me wonder why I care about being so fucked up. It makes me wonder if part of the reason I react to everything so strongly is because I’m NOT broken, but that everyone else is. I sometimes think that the reason that I’m so emotionally overcharged is because no one else is.

I have an impression, in the back of my mind, for the black in my tie contains our dirty thoughts. Make me an obsession, when you lock me inside for the ride of your life unleashed. Gonna get it off.

I’m not sleeping again. My doctor changed my meds again. She told me to take diphenhydramine to sleep. Do we know what that is, class? Benadryl. I am amused. Highly even. But hey, in theory it works. Just… as long as I don’t take too much and go into a Benadryl coma and sleep for 14 or so hours. Waking up with a Benadryl hangover is NOT pleasant. But if it works, I guess we’ll do it. The alternatives are medicines that I REALLY am not keen on taking. And hey, if I can sleep, I can avoid the real world, right?

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