I got nothin’

No music. No sound. Just an empty void. When one of our family members dies, we find ourselves distraught, angry, sad, in despair.  Sometimes we just shut down. Sometimes we lash out.  Numbness can take over. I think I do all of these. Sometimes we just turn off. I’ve done this, too.

I just lost someone SO important to me. And I keep swaying between devastated and numb. Shut down, just semi-non-responsive. One word, often fake, answers. I don’t want to get out of bed. I have, because I have to. But most certainly not because I want to.

I keep thinking over and over that there was something else I could have done. If I’d responded and acted sooner, or been more aware. I feel like I’m a bad person, a horrible person. Like it’s my fault. But isn’t it always?  Just this time it hurt too much. I can’t handle this.

Death doesn’t affect me a good chunk of the time, because it’s part of life. Part of the way things should be. We need death to give life meaning. But this one hit me hard. It’s weird to me. If it means that life has no meaning, then fine. I’m okay with that if she hadn’t died.

And while we’re on the subject of death.  Passing, moving on, crossing over. Come on. They died. DEAD. I never understood the purpose of trying to make it sound more special and eloquent. Is that how I mean it? I’m not really sure, to be honest. Eloquent. Hm. Maybe. But I DO mean that it’s more honest to say that they died. Call me crazy (no pun intended), but I feel it is more respectful to the dead to show that you know that they lived.

I just… for the first time in a very long time, there is no music in my head. No good music, no bad. No earworms, nothing on repeat. The radio is off, I have nothing to hum.  I may be depressed, but right now I simply feel like my heart is being eaten by maggots. A constant gnawing that constricts the blood flow to my lungs and makes them clench tight.

I just keep hoping I will wake up and it will all be a nightmare.

But I know I won’t.

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