When the tears come…

Streaming down your face… When you lose something you can’t replace… When you love someone but it goes to waste… Could it be worse?

Day in, day out, day in, day out.  I get up, shower, get dressed, go take my meds, I do my work, I get in Game. I talk to my friends–wait. No. I can’t say that.  I thought I did.  Tired, angry, sad.  … Hurt.  I think since I started writing here I have begun actually using the word hurt a little more.  I hate that word.  I hate admitting that I hurt.  I hate admitting that things make me feel physically ill when they emotionally affect me.  But they do. I feel my heart pounding in my ears and behind my eyes, my chest, and my hands get cold.  My hands shake, and it feels like trying to breathe in a sauna, my lungs not able to fully take in enough air.  I get this burning pain from the sides of my stomach in up under my ribs and through my diaphragm that shoots directly to my back and up.  And I start to shiver.  Then the watering. The eyes start to glaze in anger, and I fight the tears.  I hate crying.  And I hate crying in anger, because people always assume that I cry because I’m sad. I’m not. And all I want is to scream.  It feels deep inside that I need to scream. And the entire time, the nausea is building.  I wish I could turn it all off. I want so bad to be able to turn it off. I need to find a way to turn it off.

Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace…  Tears stream down your face.  And I… Tears stream down your face… I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes… 

I have friends that I used to spend a great deal of time with. We did things in our game together.  I went out of town recently and came back to be replaced.  It felt like I had been punched in the gut.  I was flat out told that I had been replaced.  Another member of the group swore up and down that was absolutely not true.  And then tonight they immediately began doing things with that new group.  And he is upset that it bothers me.  He doesn’t understand why it feels like it had been a lie.  Whether or not it was–I’m not saying that I disbelieve him, I’m sure he did not mean it to be–it still feels like one.  I am trying to not let it bother me.  I try so hard to not let things bother me. And to be normal. But it just doesn’t work.  I shouldn’t be here.  I never should have been here. Granted, I have no misunderstanding at how easily I am replaceable. And it in no way surprises me that I was replaced. Just, it caught me off guard, I guess. I just thought I had found a group of friends that would at least stick around for a while. But I should know better. I should always know better. I am not a friends-type person. People can only put up with me so long.  Hell, I can only put up with me so long.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed… When you get what you want but not what you need… When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep… Stuck in reverse…

I should not be here. I never should have been here.  Why am I still here? I can’t figure that part out.  I don’t want to be.  But every day. I get up. I shower. I get dressed. I take my meds. Rinse. Repeat.

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones…

I want to give up.

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